Raising awareness of Homlessness

Yesterday ended and today began not in the way I had imagined it would.

Beware of scrolling down twitter because you may just come across a tweet that catches your imagination - I was lying in bed when I saw one from the outgoing Lord Mayor of a Belfast saying that 100 young people would be sleeping rough in the grounds of City Hall.

Homelessness is an issue I've been pondering for a while and the plight of those who find themselves on our cities streets one that I have kept returning too so I simply tweeted and asked could I join - yes came the reply and so off I headed not really sure what I was letting my self in for and nothing could have prepared me for the experience, the conversations and the emotional roller coaster.

At 6 pm when I joined my fellow band of young people there was very much a carnival atmosphere in the air - frisbee playing, hot food van and musicians a nice way to bring a summer day to a close BUT it was when the sun started to set that the reality of what lay ahead hit me cause in my enthusiasm I hadn't even brought a sleeping bag with me though one did arrive from the lovely people at the welcome centre.

So the gates were locked and in the darkness a city that is so familiar in daylight became an uncertain and unknown place in the dark and while we had safety in numbers thoughts turned to the isolation of others settling down for the night on their own.

Though the conversation flowed - there were stories exchanged of each others backgrounds and lives - there was first hand accounts of the reality of losing your home and having absolutely no where to go - the different points you need to amass to get a house in different parts of the city - the difficulty of accessing services and of course the stigma and comments that are directed to you on the street on a daily basis.

The weather that had been so beautiful during the day gave way to showers in the wee small hours of the morning - plastic bin bags were found to place over sleeping bags to try and stop water getting in and for many of us the first thoughts were what I've the water gets into our phones but the rain finally stopped.

The noise was another factor to contend with as nightclubs emptied and the revelry spilled onto the streets suddenly there was an ominous feeling in the air and whilst we were behind the gates of city hall you couldn't help but think how threatening it must feel if your actually on the street and you really don't know what is coming towards you.

This morning as I'm writing this still on those city hall steps I can't help but remember and paraphrase the words of Atticus Fitch in To Kill A Mocking Bird 'you don't know someone's life until you walk a mile in their shoes' and while I may have only walked part of the way I defiantly got my eyes opened and challenged by how we as a society can help those for whom the streets are a daily and nightly reality.

Scripture, Food and Body Image

Its day 3 of Eating disorder awareness week and today we look at what scripture has to say about food and image 

Food is a major thread running through scripture. 

The Christian Scriptures themselves are marbled with food: milk and honey, bread and wine, pomegranates and figs, fatted calves and grilled fish, Paschal suppers  for small gatherings and miraculous  picnics for multitudes.

From the beginning of the Genesis account see God telling Adam and Eve not to eat certain food

, namely from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, we can read the food laws given by Yahweh to his people in Leviticus and then ultimately the arrival of Jesus as the Bread of Life. 

While it may be hard to find any scripture passage that deals directly with Eating Disorders or the struggle faced by sufferers, one can find a wealth of material that deals with, and comments on, food and eating, along with issues such as personal well-being and care and attitudes that are often present in the life and mindset of eating disorder sufferers.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to ‘be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.’ Eating Disorder sufferers have long been associated with how the person involved is feeling or thinking. Triggers for disordered thinking can come from a single remark. That single remark can then set light to a fire that results in the person experiencing grave inner torment and can result in the individual no longer wanting to be in contact with people who make such remarks to them.

Indeed Proverbs later comments that ‘thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can hea Therefore while our thoughts can trigger a whole range of emotions, it is important for the individual to remember that who and what they are in Christ as a foundational truth can cut through feelings and emotions and realign the individual.  

Scripture affirms that we are a chosen people (1^st Peter 2:19), precious (Isaiah 43:4), loved (1 John 4:10), His sons and daughters (2 Corinthians 6:18), called (1 Thessalonians 5:24), an heir (Galatians 4:7), belonging to God (1 Peter 2:9), honoured (Isaiah 43:4), accepted (Romans 15:7), set free (Colossians 1:14) and forgiven (Colossians 3:13).  

While scripture makes many positive and insightful comments on the issues surrounding eating disorder sufferers, it also presents some problems for the sufferer when he or she comes to find comfort and guidance. Anorexia is often associated with a desire for perfectionism in life, and in recent years there has been a drive, through all forms of media, to persuade people to seek the perfect body. ‘If I could only look like that then …’ sells, clothes, electronic goods, food and even diets. So what is the sufferer to make of Matthew 5:48?  ‘Be perfect therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.’ Wilkinson observes: 

Most sufferers will interpret this as a command to be a perfectionist, failing in nothing.  But the Greek word for perfection, telios, is not used in conjunction with goodness but with being ‘complete’, ‘fully grown’, ‘mature’, which to me signifies being made whole.

Life is a journey into a deeper understanding of God and the impact that this leaves on our lives. God does not leave us at the point of salvation, but rather embarks with us on a journey of growth and maturity.

We have very briefly seen the contours of the important role which scripture plays in setting in context: body image, the importance of food and food’s impact on our lives, the potential to change our lives, both positively and negatively, and the impact that scripture can bring to bear on the subject of eating disorders.  From an informed understanding of scripture, insight’s can be discovered to assist with a contemporary understanding of someone battling with an eating disorder 

Its Not Going Away You know …..

Its Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2014 and today this blog continues by looking at the worrying rise of Eating Disorders in Northern Ireland 

Relevant Magazine notes

Millions of women look into their mirrors every day and hate what they see. They are profoundly dissatisfied with their appearance—the lips aren’t full enough, the cheekbones aren’t dramatic enough and, of course, they are certainly not thin enough. These women and girls want so desperately to look like the air-brushed models in the magazines or the painstakingly thin celebrities on the awards shows. Although they can do little about their lips and cheekbones without surgery or medical intervention, they can lose weight. So, they start dieting

For 11 million women in the US dieting spirals over into an eating disorder.  The figures for the UK and Ireland are no less startling. 

We live in a world where consumerism is a key social driver, commodities, from cars to Coke to chemicals, are displayed with young women close-by signalling availability and sexuality.

A motto of this generation is ‘sex sells' 

Though eating disorders don’t just affect women, in recent years there has also been an increase in the number of teenage boys and young men developing eating disorders as the media portrays images of six-packs and the growth in celebrities wearing skinny jeans and super-skinny jeans, adding further fuel to the epidemic!

So what about this wee part of the world? Northern Ireland

In 2002 the Department of Health, Social Services and Public Safety published its most recent consultation on the provision and care of, those suffering from eating disorders.  In 2010 it was speculated by the then Health Minister Michael McGimpsey, that NI would have its own eating disorder unit, though that promise is still being processed.

The 2002 report observed that ‘each year in NI around 50-120 people develop Anorexia Nervosa and around 170 people develop Bulimia Nervosa equalling 340-1700 people suffering from AN and 17,000 from BN in NI. 100 people are admitted to hospital each year and the average length of stay is five weeks per patient.

In 2012 Eating Disorder care and treatment hit the regional headlines once again, with a stark reminder of the growing trend of Eating Disorders within Northern Ireland and with a major focus on the increase the number of sufferers under the age of ten.  While it may not be possible to place an exact figure on the number of young people hospitalized from an Eating Disorders in the period 2007 to 2011, the BBC places the figure at around 12, while up to 80 teenagers received treatment in hospital for illnesses such as anorexia in the past five years

Eating disorders are a growing problem in Northern Ireland and one the church as well as society needs to address - in tomorrows blog I will be looking at what the bible has to say about eating disorders. 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2014 - Day 1 - A personal story

Hey guys and gals - This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2014 and this week I will be blogging everyday about the history of ED'S, the specifics of the Northern Irish context, How the church can respond and my own personal experience.  Since stories and personal stories are so important the journey this week seems to make sense by beginning with a personal story - my own experience of an eating disorder - this story is unique but not unequal mine - what follows is  a blog entry I wrote in 2012  

‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ - I can testify this is not true!  What follows is an account of my journey into and out of anorexia.  

As a child I was always what people would call ‘a little chubby’, food for me was a comfort, an escape, a way of making myself feel a little better ..... though suddenly a little food wasn’t enough, it became the more the better, having a bad day have a bar of chocolate or six, pass an exam go out for a three course meal and no matter how I was feeling, good or bad, food was a way of feeling better!  

By the age of 19 I had reached 27 stone in weight ..... not a good feeling to have to go to Glasgow, London and America to be able to buy clothes.  Then in the second year of university began my unhealthy relationship with dieting ..... I wanted to be the thinnest I could because this weight was more than enough to carry and was a shell to hid behind.  ‘if I was thinner I would feel better’, ‘if I was thinner people would find me more attractive’. So the diet and the desire to get down from a 52 inch waste and a 5xl top began.  

At first it was a healthy approach and over the months the weight dropped .... down to a more respectable 15 stone.  Following a stay in Dublin for my post grad the weight began to creep back up, I returned to Belfast for work where a colleague said to me ‘goodness you lost all that weight and now you’re starting to put it back on’ - then my healthy diet, took an unhealthy turn - I would become the thinnest I could!  I would make sure that no one ever said that to me again.   

So I limited myself to 700 calories a day and went for an hour and half power walk everyday!  The weight poured of me .... 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 stone.  I felt great, well at least I thought I did ... But I was only really kidding myself!  People were beginning to notice that I was starting to look unwell - but me I had never felt so great!

10, 9, 8 stone ....Now we were down to 500 calories ... a weight watchers yoghurt for breakfast, one for lunch and three garlic mushrooms for my tea with a small bit of salad ... same thing every day because I knew I was losing weight that way suddenly my social life was gone I couldn’t be around friends cause I was afraid of having to go in somewhere to eat, the trousers were getting smaller and the tops were going down to children’s sizes!  Weekly trips to the doctor who I tried to kid for as long as I could, watching peoples faces, people who I knew but with a sunken face, they no longer knew me .... People thought I had cancer and were afraid to speak about it! Though I was starting to get tired and my body was starting to hurt! Not being able to lie in bed at night cause the mattress hurt you! Up at 4am cause you couldn’t sleep, my life was dictated, every day I lived the same experience ... over and over again!  

7 stone - I remember it as clear - the first week of Wimbeldon 2009 - the thursday night, I walked to Lisburn with mum to do some shopping  - walking home I didn’t feel well at all - I wanted to get home asap!  So home it was, imagine me in the height of summer, pj’s, dressing gown, hot water bottle, blanket and I was still freezing!  Though on the plus side I now had a 26 inch waist I was wearing tops for 11 year old boys! aged 24 and 6’2.  Surely now my life could begin!  I was as thin I was ever going to get!  The next day I had an appointment at the doctors, I remember crying in the waiting room I hurt that much as I sat on the chairs, my whole body ached, all my energy was gone! My doctors words ‘we need to do an ECG’ Ok I thought - the nurse had to do it twice .... ‘wait till i get the doctor to have a look at this’ Ok I thought this was standard procedure ..... My doctor came, looked at my shivering body on the bed as I lay there in my underwear - then she truly knew just how bad I had become, stomach sunken, legs fragile, rib cage very evident through my skin.....  ‘Jonathan it’s bad news’ Oh what’s wrong I replied ‘We can hardly find a pulse’ .... ‘You need to sign yourself in at the hospital .....’

I broke down in that doctors surgery - suddenly I realized what I had done to myself ....  I can’t go to the hospital, I don’t want to be signed in ..... She said ‘ok, you can go home for a couple of hours and think about it’ ... I went home and broke down again with my mum and my sister! 

Things needed to change! 

I started out dying to be thin - now I was just dying! 

In America there is the Trevor Project a response the amount of young people taking their own lives because they are gay.... the tag line of the movement is ‘it gets better’ well I want to say to anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder ‘it gets better’. Not initially but day by day it gets better, it gets better with each small step towards recovery.  

I got help - I was able to go to  the health service and was referred to a specialist .... slowly but surely the weight increased!  2 pounds here and 2 pounds there  10 months later I was back up to my goal weight - I would be lying if I said everyday still isn’t a battle but one thing I know is that I never want to be that thin again.

To anyone struggling with weight issues - be honest with yourself - admit that you have a problem because only when you do will you be able to get better - only then than the journey to wholeness begins!  If you would like to talk with someone who ha

25 years on

Today marks the 25th anniversary of Dad's death (ok death is the polite way of saying murder).  A day that always brings a lot of emotion and questions and searching and seeking and yes crying too.  Last night I wrote this short poem to summarise how I was feeling.

25 years ago a bullet rang out and the doorbell announced an unexpected visitor

25 years ago a morning went from a day of possibility to a day of mourning 

25 years ago the watch you were wearing stopped ticking and so did your heart as you hit the floor 

25 years ago the ring you were wearing broke as did my my mothers heart 

25 years ago you were a story on the news  but you were more, a brother, a husband, a son, a father , a friend

25 years ago you still had the tickets for a family night out at the circus in your pocket but this was no laughing matter 

25 years ago no doubt you had a lovers tiff  but on that day you were a sacrifice on the alter of an nations tiff

25 years ago you left for work with a smile and a kiss and see you for dinner but that dinner never came 

25 years later I still have that watch and ring and circus tickets  and think if only I still had you what would my life be like

25 years later I hope this country is further on 

25 years later as a family we still remember but journey on. 

There's blood on the street

There’s blood on the street, and its been here before 

City in the throws of a heatwave as tempers reach an all time high.

Streets pounded, words spoken, fires stoked 

water cannon, plastic bullets, breeze blocks in mid air

there’s blood on the street, and its been here before 

the match is lit and somethings gonna burn 

tensions rising, flags flying, the bonfires still lit 

there’s blood on the street, and its been here before

fuel for early morning radio call in shows, 

flames that will burn in peoples hearts for months

sirens rage and warning bells ring in many minds

there’s blood on the street, and its been here before

images flooding TV screens, social networking going mad 

wasn’t that the road Obama cavalcade hurtled down?

now its the mob rushing down it without the fanfare 

not so much G8 but 1978 

there’s blood on the street, and its been here before  

there’s blood on the street, and its been here before 

theres blood on the street how long until its here no more?

Another Gunshot, Another Family

Northern Ireland woke this morning to another tragic event in its history.  Today we live in what many would call a normalised society in which we enjoy peace and the benefits it brings to us personally and too are economy, yet twitter this morning is ablaze with the news of a man shot on his way to work on the motorway between Lurgan and Portadown.  Here is a poem about what sprang through my mind as the news came in.  

Another Gunshot, Another Family. 

The news came through as I wiped sleep from my eyes

The morning ritual, barely awake a scroll down twitter

Heart sinking, fear entering, past awakening

Details sketchy, car crash becomes man shot dead as sky news update their status.

Details continue to flood in 

7am, Prison service employee, hallmarks of a republican ambush

The news came in as I wiped sleep from my eyes 

Thinking of family members left behind 

As they wiped sleep from their eyes, sleep giving way to tears and potential sleepless nights

The news came in as I wiped sleep from my eyes

24 years ago a rap came to my mothers door 

8.30 she was still wiping sleep from this little boys eyes

The news came in as she wiped sleep from my eyes

Gun shot, train, paramedics on the scene, we did all we could

As she wiped sleep from his eyes, sleep giving way to tears and endless sleepless nights. Just another guy who left for work never to come home 

The news came in as I wiped sleep from my eyes

Surely this province can wake from this nightmare 

Oh for a day to dawn when we don’t have to look back but stare into the future that comes with a new dawn 

Purple .... Just A Colour?

Hate crime towards gay and transgender people is on the rise across Britain, with thousands of people suffering abuse every year and in some cities, attacks motivated by sexual prejudice are up by as much as 170 per cent annually.

The rise in homophobic crime in England, Wales and Northern Ireland went from 4,805 offenses in 2009 to 4,883 in 2010. Campaigners say the figures are just the "tip of the iceberg" as research suggests three out of four people are still too afraid to report these crimes.

Take for example the story of Matthew Shephard:

Matthew was a 21 year old student at the University of Wyoming.  He wanted to become a diplomat or work in politics and in his spare time enjoyed camping, fishing and skiing. At around midnight on the 6th October 1998, Matthew was taken from a bar by two other men to a deserted field about a mile from Laramie.  Once there, these men tied him to a fence, beat him with a pistol, tortured him and left him for dead. A young cyclist found Matthew eighteen hours later. Matthew had severe head injuries and remained in a coma until his death at 12.53 am on October 12, 1998.

Matthew’s case illustrates one extreme but there are numerous other ways hate crimes and bullying exist in our society today, people can be bullied at work or by the institutions they work for, people can be denied housing and employment on the grounds of their sexuality or perceived sexuality and kids in the playground through the phrase ‘you’re so gay’ around and often times has nothing to do with the Childs sexuality but is seen as the worst slur you can inflict on someone.  

Wear it Purple Day exists to combat homophobia, bullying and hate crimes against LGBT people.  By wearing an item of purple clothing today you can show that you believe that such treatment as illustrated in the story of Matthew Shephard  is wrong and should not be taking place in our cities and on our streets . I fully recognize that among the readers of this blog there is a wide variety of opinion in relation to issues surrounding the LGBT community but surely today we can all agree that Homophobia is wrong and so is bulling of LGBT people and hate crimes against members of that community should not be allowed to go unreported and even happen in the first place.  

I thought I would leave you with a poem by Jenny Joseph which I remember reading at secondary school and when I heard it first it made me think about my Auntie Madeline and some how seems fitting today..... 

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

When I am old I will wear purple, why not wear it today?

Walking

Remember a time when walking was just about putting one foot in front of the other?

Remember the smile on a parents face, when the crawling gave way to walking?

Remember the times you fell, and then got back up again?

Remember a time when walking was something everyone did?  And didn’t belong to one community or the other? 

When did it change?

When did walking start putting on gloves and collarettes and marching to tunes?

When did walking start to offend?

When did walking get labelled contentious, and need resolved?

When did walking become seen as invading other peoples space?

When did walking become sectarian? And seen as one groups Christian right?

When did walkers begin to be greeted with protests?

When did walkers start requiring police escorts?

When did walkers first meet stone throwers and petrol bombs?

Surely we all walk .....

Surely we all  walk past each other everyday,

Look at our toe-paths, shopping centers, streets, villages and towns what do you see?  Nothing more than people walking past each other 365 days of the year.

Remember that story in the bible about walking?

The one with the injured man lying at the side of the road?

There were plenty of people walking by that day - and no one wanted to stop 

Perhaps they were walking their traditional route and weren't going to be rerouted because of a corpse

Perhaps they couldn’t see their neighbors need because he wasn’t one of them

‘Go walking, thats what to do’ or so the television jingle used to tell us

Go walking together 

Go walking new routes of peace  

Go walking without the baggage 

Go walking to a new united tune

Go walking into a new chapter of our nations history 

Remember when walking was just about putting one foot in front of the other?

‘DESTITUTE SIZE ME’ - Day 3 in association with Northern Ireland Community of Refugees and Asylum Seekers

So day three and I am still hanging in there, I have to be honest there were a couple of stages where I thought, ‘well sure if I quit now it won’t look as bad as getting further into the week and then deciding to call it a day’.  But yet again I find myself, sitting, typing words and trying to formulate thoughts.  

Yesterday was tough.  Tough on a number of levels.  

For work yesterday I had a meeting in the city centre - clearly on my budget city centre parking wasn’t an option so I decided I would get the bus one way and then walk to the office after, so I boarded the bus only to discover that the fare for a one way journey almost equaled  as much as the food I had bought the night before for three nights.  Nearly two tenths of a weekly budget on one journey ..... it really isn’t easy is it ...... yet again something I don’t think very much as I drive myself around town in a one year old car which I had thought about trading in for another brand new car a couple of weeks ago.   

Last night I found myself at a friends birthday party ( I felt it would be unfair not to go)  but with no money to spend and not excepting gists from other people I sat there all night without so much as a drink of water.  Now those who know me well will know that I love a party and a night out as much as anyone, and at times, more than most people.  But strip away the cash and the drinks and a night out becomes something entirely different, you begin to watch others enjoying themselves, you see your friends being able to buy themselves drinks and you almost become resentful, angry or even annoyed that they are willing to spend £5 on a drink .... that is half my weekly budget .... One glass of wine in the John Hewitt or I starve .... grim reality.  The question I am left asking myself is, what must it be like to live in the city, walk past all that is going on, people out for a good night, people celebrating, yet constantly to be living a life that allows you to look through the window at others enjoying themselves while you make your way back to the shared accommodation that you are living in for the moment hoping that you can fall asleep on a empty stomach.  

But in the midst of all this I find myself asking deeper theological questions of myself as  I reflect on the experience, is there such a thing as a theology of asylum?  It certainly wasn’t a module or even a single lecture at the college where I trained to be a minister yet the thought doesn’t leave my mind easily.  Matters probably aren’t helped by the fact that this year I have been using Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals for my personal devotions and its focus the past two days has been on Justice and Fear .... ideas and concepts that sit quite happily with my current experience.  Came across this online today and think says more than I could ever do ...... http://www.ctbi.org.uk/pdf_view.php?id=22.  

Reflecting a little of the refugee situation I am reminded of the words of Dolly Parton in Travelin Through 

Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been 

But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end 

I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it 

I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit 

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song 

I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home 

Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam 

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'

‘DESTITUTE SIZE ME’ - Day 2 in association with Northern Ireland Community of Refugees and Asylum Seekers

Okay so Day Two of the challenge.  What has happened since yesterday?  Well since the last blog post, JAB made to it Tesco’s to buy some food and managed to only spend a total of £1.83 on dinner and breakfast that should last three days (I’m working out that during the process it might be easier and more cost efficient to focus on two meals rather than three) and a major catastrophe was averted by Gillian Fitch, for when I discovered I had bought all tinned food and had no tin opener she very kindly came to my aid.  So I actually managed to have dinner last night.  I feel that Gillian’s very kind offer doesn't break the rules as we heard yesterday how the asylum and refugee community continually lend each other stuff including food ....... Startling when you think that they have very little for themselves or their own families without then giving it away to others ...... It seems to me that there is something very ‘gospel’ about this - looking after one’s brother or sister and sacrificial giving ... to name a few ideas that immediately spring to mind.  

Though in todays post I wish to share with you, some of the conversations I had yesterday with Refugees and Asylum seekers along with some personal reflection.  

What must it be like for a family who lives on this budget? - Well here are the words of one father .....

‘The baby goes through a lot of nappies and so much so that we can’t afford nappies for her all the time so at night we need to wrap her in a towel and place her on a plastic bag for the night.’ 

Or how do you dress yourself when you have left all your belongings back in the country who ave come from? Again i refer you to the words of one refugee ... 

‘clothes ... we can’t afford clothes ... if you need something there is somewhere you can go and rummage to see if they have something that fits you ... if they do its yours, if not you leave with nothing ... we can’t even shop in charity shops.’ This hit me hard!  As I sat there dressed to the nines and thinking about some other stuff I would like to get for the summer wardrobe.  Stupid really!

Despite the apparent financial hardship, accommodation issues and lack of job prospects, one area I had overlooked was that of mental health - men and women living like this day after day with no real sign of hope 

The strain was evident when one of the men commented, ‘living like this is mental torture’ with that look in his eye that articulated what he was trying to express so  more effectively then his words ever could........

‘How do I think of having a nice meal with these beans as I have been eating them everyday for months.’ 

I really had to stop myself from crying - when I audit the places I have eaten recently and the weekly shop from Marks and Spencer’s - Even on weeks when I was budgeting it was nowhere near as severe as this guys experience.  Yesterday I truly realised how affluent I am ... not just in terms of money, processions but also in terms of family, community and friends .... sometimes it is easy to take these smaller things for granted but your messages of support, encouragement and love has been amazing!   

‘DESTITUTE SIZE ME’ - Day 1 in association with Northern Ireland Community of Refugees and Asylum Seekers

So on Friday I was set the challenge of living this week solely on a £10 Tesco food voucher.  But why I hear you ask?  Well,

In Belfast, in 2012 would you believe that NICRAS is supporting 16 destitute asylum seekers with £10 a week and a small food parcel from NICRAS?....They  have absolutely no access to mainstream benefits, housing,  a G.P and are not allowed to work, to earn enough money to live above the poverty line?

Many of you know that I often talk about how important it is for the Evangelical church to not only preach the gospel but to live it in terms of social justice issues.  So the time has come for me to step up and take one small step myself.  

Shane Claiborne has commented ......

“We do need to be born again, since Jesus said to that guy named Nicodemus.  But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy, too.  But I guess thats why we invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest.” 

Either we as so called ‘evangelicals’ believe, practice, and live the whole scripture or we at the very essence hypocritical, we can’t pick and chose.  

The original challenge was to live on the £10 voucher though I have added an additional challenge for myself, to fully experience what life is like for those who enter Northern Ireland seeking Asylum, I will also be spending one night sleeping rough on the streets of our city.  

I feel this challenge is one that will be extremely daunting at times, I usually live on around £70 a week, enjoy traveling around in my car and really enjoy the added benefits of city centre living such as the cinema, theatre and gigs (in fact the wine I drink during the week  with dinner comes to more than the total I am allowed to live on for the whole week) .... so I can only imagine what it would be like to loose all of these luxuries.  

In fact I am so far removed from such destitution that I needed to run a spell check on the word ‘asylum’ .... I am sure for those who live this way on a daily basis, they do not need to run a spellcheck, because for them it is a living and breathing reality.

Speaking to an Asylum seeker today the following words, really moved me, living like this, ‘you loose track of what you need but have to put up with what you have...... when you think you are moving forward with your life - you just don’t move.’

So journey with me if you will this week as I seek to try and experience in a small way what life must be like on a daily basis for those who enter our country as Asylum seekers and refugees.  

Love the sinner hate your own sin

In Northern Ireland there has been a lot of talk in recent years under the slogan of ‘love the sinner hate the sin’.  Having been reading a lot of Tony Campolo recently I wish to suggest that we need to change that slogan to the one he has suggested, ‘Love the sinner, hate your own sin’.

At easter I read the following excerpt by Brain McLauren and it has dominated my thought process since. In fact I have nearly used it in two sermons but pulled it out at the last minute because of fear of how it would be received .... yet it still haunts me on a daily basis and makes me want to examine every conversation and exchange I enter into with others.  

I don’t want to be closed-minded or judgmental, but in good conscience I simply can’t approve of the lifestyle. I personally believe it’s a choice, not something predestined or forced upon anyone by anyone. I understand that parental upbringing is undoubtedly a big factor and that some people believe genes play a role in predisposing people to this orientation, but I also know that adults are responsible for their behavior, and the behaviors associated with this lifestyle are no exception.

On the one hand, I believe that we live in a free country, and people should be free to do what they think is right. But on the other hand, I believe freedom has limits—one limit being where others are hurt by the chosen lifestyle. And this lifestyle, there can be no mistake, is hurting a lot of people. Families are being torn apart by it, and churches and denominations too.

Everybody has an opinion on this controversial lifestyle, but I believe God’s opinion is the one that matters most, and there is absolutely no question what God’s opinion is according to the Bible. This orientation and the behaviors associated with it are thoroughly condemned, especially by Jesus. He was very compassionate toward many groups of people, but there is one group he had an absolute and uncompromising commitment to confront and expose, and it was those who dishonor themselves and others as humans made in the image of God by engaging in this lifestyle and its practices...........

Activists may use the word love to justify their behavior, but those who disagree with them are seldom treated with love. Many of us have already faced the scorn of the activists who promote this chosen lifestyle and defend it as legitimate and even godly. For do- ing so we have received hate mail peppered with a wide range of threats and abusive speech, with many calling for our damnation. But even so, we have learned that we must not respond to hate with hate; we must love these people and seek to help them, even though we do not approve of their behavior.

McLaren in this passage is talking about the judgmental lifestyle! The kind of lifestyle that Jesus spoke so openly against in His sermon on the mount.  The lifestyle that finds faults not people, the kind of lifestyle that relishes in its perceived superiority and righteousness yet cant see its flaws deep down within itself.  

It is always easy to point the finger, to notice what others are doing wrong, to say that people aren’t coming to church, to say that people are living in sin, to say that certain lifestyles are wrong, even to say certain things lead you straight to hell, but it is some what harder to take a long hard look at your own life, to look at the things that you do on a daily basis and then attribute to them the same level of judgement.  The bottom line is that we all sin! No if’s, no buts, no maybes.  Since the Garden of Eden we all sin and keep on sinning on a variety of levels.  

Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that the Christian Church or the Christian leader should not point out sin in sermons and pastoral conversations, because after all there is a biblical mandate to do so, but what I am saying is that it must not be done without examining your own heart, looking deep into your own soul and asking forgiveness for your own sin first.   

In the words adapted by Joni Mitchell ‘I have seen (judgement) from both sides now’  Both giving judgement and receiving it, and all I can tonight is, its a lifestyle I want nothing to do with.   

Arch Bishop Tutu has commented ‘I have always striven for a life of love in action’ I would rather have this kind of lifestyle, one that says I love you not sort yourself out before i’ll talk to you.  

Love for the person who is at the end of their rope

Love for the person who just can’t cope

Love for the questing and doubting soul

Love for the person who feels unloved by church

Love flowing from the one who first loved me

May love win!

Sex and the church .... a silent subject???

To quote Rebecca Nicholson in this weeks Guardian Guide Magazine ‘as the great, wise, philosophizing pop group LMFAO  succinctly put it I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it.’ This week is a good week if your into sex and scandal - a whole week of it on TV and in film release.   Programs include, ‘how sex works’, ‘websex: what’s the harm?’  ‘confessions of a sex addict’, ‘like a virgin’ ‘playing it straight’ and the list goes on ...... This week also sees the release of SHAME with a preview showing at QFT on tuesday night (I have to be honest here and say I am going to see it)  a film about a New York sex addict and to quote from an interview with the star Michael Fassbender in the Guardian ‘depending on your point of view, (it’s)  a brilliant exposition of loneliness in the city or a pretentious piece of naval-gazing.’ 

Fassbender in the movie plays an executive, who yes on the one hand is successful but on the other hand is unable for reasons never fully explained to have a real relationship, rather he prefers encounters with strangers, prostitutes and porn.  While his sister also throws herself at any passing man.  Fassbender notes in the interview that while he was trying to research for the role, he tried to talk to people in London, and no one was forthcoming or at least very few so he went to New York - where not surprisingly people where a little more open - though the observation remained ‘scratch the surface of what’s socially normal.  I suppose in some way all of us have something we display to the public and things we feel to ashamed or uncomfortable with to revel to other people.’  

Lets talk about sex! No don’t worry this isn’t going to be some sex ed talk about the birds and the bees .... as my mum would say ‘the birds go tweet and the bees go buzz’.  Sex has been on my mind recently for a number of reasons, and before you say it no not just because I am single and a young guy, but as a result of some of my thinking on the book of Hosea which we are currently exploring in Fitzroy but also because over Christmas I was reading a new work by Jennifer Knust ‘Unprotected Text’s: The Bibles Surprising Contradictions About Sex and Desire‘  and while not fully endorsing some of her conclusions the book does provide an interesting overview of what the bible does say about sex and what it has been made to say over the years by the so called ‘authorities’.

But how do we deal with sex within the Christian community? How do we explain it to our young people and indeed our adults?  How do we focus on a wholeness approach to life and not make people feel guilty because they have fallen down in this area? Sex is real .... indeed as a friend of mine would say ‘at the end of the day Jab it all boils down to sex and death’ , the internet is all around us .... one google search and you can get any kind of image to appeal to whatever you are looking for at that particular moment.  You don’t even need to go online, sex is all around us, all day, everyday, and for those of us trying to remain pure in a world that is sex obsessed it can often be a very hard battle and there are many opportunities to fall down.  

As a teenager I remember reading the ‘every young man’s battle’ series which looked at lust, porn and masturbation struggles within society today - and have to say I found some of the content helpful - but also some of it a little dated or out of touch - one of its main arguments was about trying to avoid looking at ‘sexy images’(don’t get me wrong i agree with this though can see some problems) - but how do you realistically achieve that when every shop, bar coffee shops, seem to be selling it!  Bags with topless guys on them ... magazines with bikini clad girls???  You can’t spend all day in a bubble in Starbuck’s or your coffee shop of choice!  Even when you’re there I am sure it won’t take to long for your eye to drift to someone you find appealing or attractive! 

I think the following article is really useful and provides some helpful insights .... http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27747-is-sexual-sin-communal-sin.  It’s not that the church is out there as a marshall on good fun - its on the other hand an issue of human dignity, respect and self worth.  I feel that the first area we fall down in mainly is that we don’t talk about -  perhaps we need to in the words of the song to ‘lets talk about sex’ because only when we talk about in an open honest manner can we really understand the joys of sex, the pitfalls of a sex mad world and potential for harm - but be under no illusion if the church doesn’t talk about it there are plenty of other people willing to in ‘the big bad world out there’, and that is what is shaping public opinion, public perception and we are being left behind! The latest movie maybe called SHAME but the real shame is that we are letting are people down by being silent!  

Dying to be thin

Tonight ITV showed a documentary about anorexia and the desire among young people and society at large to be thin.  If i’m being honest - this programme touched me greatly because it translated me back to two years ago when I was in the middle of struggling with anorexia.  Kate Moss may have said that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ - I can testify this is not true!  What follows is an account of my journey into and out of anorexia.  

As a child I was always what people would call ‘a little chubby’, food for me was a comfort, an escape, a way of making myself feel a little better ..... though suddenly a little food wasn’t enough, it became the more the better, having a bad day have a bar of chocolate or six, pass an exam go out for a three course meal and no matter how I was feeling, good or bad, food was a way of feeling better!  

By the age of 19 I had reached 27 stone in weight ..... not a good feeling to have to go to Glasgow, London and America to be able to buy clothes.  Then in the second year of university began my unhealthy relationship with dieting ..... I wanted to be the thinnest I could because this weight was more than enough to carry and was a shell to hid behind.  ‘if I was thinner I would feel better’, ‘if I was thinner people would find me more attractive’. So the diet and the desire to get down from a 52 inch waste and a 5xl top began.  

At first it was a healthy approach and over the months the weight dropped .... down to a more respectable 15 stone.  Following a stay in Dublin for my post grad the weight began to creep back up, I returned to Belfast for work where a colleague said to me ‘goodness you lost all that weight and now you’re starting to put it back on’ - then my healthy diet, took an unhealthy turn - I would become the thinnest I could!  I would make sure that no one ever said that to me again.   

So I limited myself to 700 calories a day and went for an hour and half power walk everyday!  The weight poured of me .... 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 stone.  I felt great, well at least I thought I did ... But I was only really kidding myself!  People were beginning to notice that I was starting to look unwell - but me I had never felt so great!

10, 9, 8 stone ....Now we were down to 500 calories ... a weight watchers yoghurt for breakfast, one for lunch and three garlic mushrooms for my tea with a small bit of salad ... same thing every day because I knew I was losing weight that way suddenly my social life was gone I couldn’t be around friends cause I was afraid of having to go in somewhere to eat, the trousers were getting smaller and the tops were going down to children’s sizes!  Weekly trips to the doctor who I tried to kid for as long as I could, watching peoples faces, people who I knew but with a sunken face, they no longer knew me .... People thought I had cancer and were afraid to speak about it! Though I was starting to get tired and my body was starting to hurt! Not being able to lie in bed at night cause the mattress hurt you! Up at 4am cause you couldn’t sleep, my life was dictated, every day I lived the same experience ... over and over again!  

7 stone - I remember it as clear - the first week of Wimbeldon 2009 - the thursday night, I walked to Lisburn with mum to do some shopping  - walking home I didn’t feel well at all - I wanted to get home asap!  So home it was, imagine me in the height of summer, pj’s, dressing gown, hot water bottle, blanket and I was still freezing!  Though on the plus side I now had a 26 inch waist I was wearing tops for 11 year old boys! aged 24 and 6’2.  Surely now my life could begin!  I was as thin I was ever going to get!  The next day I had an appointment at the doctors, I remember crying in the waiting room I hurt that much as I sat on the chairs, my whole body ached, all my energy was gone! My doctors words ‘we need to do an ECG’ Ok I thought - the nurse had to do it twice .... ‘wait till i get the doctor to have a look at this’ Ok I thought this was standard procedure ..... My doctor came, looked at my shivering body on the bed as I lay there in my underwear - then she truly knew just how bad I had become, stomach sunken, legs fragile, rib cage very evident through my skin.....  ‘Jonathan it’s bad news’ Oh what’s wrong I replied ‘We can hardly find a pulse’ .... ‘You need to sign yourself in at the hospital .....’

I broke down in that doctors surgery - suddenly I realized what I had done to myself ....  I can’t go to the hospital, I don’t want to be signed in ..... She said ‘ok, you can go home for a couple of hours and think about it’ ... I went home and broke down again with my mum and my sister! 

Things needed to change! 

I started out dying to be thin - now I was just dying! 

In America there is the Trevor Project a response the amount of young people taking their own lives because they are gay.... the tag line of the movement is ‘it gets better’ well I want to say to anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder ‘it gets better’. Not initially but day by day it gets better, it gets better with each small step towards recovery.  

I got help - I was able to go to  the health service and was referred to a specialist .... slowly but surely the weight increased!  2 pounds here and 2 pounds there  10 months later I was back up to my goal weight - I would be lying if I said everyday still isn’t a battle but one thing I know is that I never want to be that thin again.

To anyone struggling with weight issues - be honest with yourself - admit that you have a problem because only when you do will you be able to get better - only then than the journey to wholeness begins!  If you would like to talk with someone who has been there and gone through the situation.  Email me abernethysmile@hotmail.com and I would be happy to listen!   

World Aids Day .... Are you HIV positive?

Well today is World Aids Day according to the BBC website ‘The number of new cases of HIV in Northern Ireland rose by 20% last year’ and shows no sign of dying down.  Approximately two people are diagnosed with HIV in Northern Ireland every week .... 104 people a year .... these are real people who are living and working around us, yet they largely go unnoticed.  

In July this year I found out about two friends who had contracted HIV.  One I found out about through chatting on Facebook one evening and the other I was in a doctors surgery with a friend as he heard the news.  In the later, I witnessed the pain and the hurt first hand, I remember the tears streaming down his face as he realized he would have to go home and tell his family, that he would have to inform his partner and that ultimately he would have to put some of his career plans on hold.  It was in that doctors waiting room that I came face-to-face with the reality of HIV Aids.  Suddenly this wasn’t just something happening to children in the Third World, but it was happening to my friend.   

There is still a large stigma around HIV in society today.   One thinks backs to the days when Princess Diana first stepped out to show compassion and care to those suffering with the disease, the shock and the horror, the reaction as to whether or not the Princess of Wales should be doing such a thing - yet in those moments of meeting the sufferer and simply talking to them Diana transcended the cultural and society norms and was just there with people.   Surely we as the church should be doing the same, reaching out to people whatever they are coming to terms with.  Not locking ourselves away behind the gates being afraid to get are hands dirty or getting messy - but just be out there doing the Jesus thing with the people around us.  

What can we do to change perception?? Well it begins by wearing a ribbon .... can lead to donating money, praying for a cure or even working with those who are directly affected.  

Today let us as individuals and as a church say that we are HIV positive in terms of seeking an end to suffering.  

World Aids day ..... Are you HIV positive????

Well today is World Aids Day according to the BBC website ‘The number of new cases of HIV in Northern Ireland rose by 20% last year’ and shows no sign of dying down.  Approximately two people are diagnosed with HIV in Northern Ireland every week .... 104 people a year .... these are real people who are living and working around us, yet they largely go unnoticed.  

In July this year I found out about two friends who had contracted HIV.  One I found out about through chatting on Facebook one evening and the other I was in a doctors surgery with a friend as he heard the news.  In the later, I witnessed the pain and the hurt first hand, I remember the tears streaming down his face as he realized he would have to go home and tell his family, that he would have to inform his partner and that ultimately he would have to put some of his career plans on hold.  It was in that doctors waiting room that I came face-to-face with the reality of HIV Aids.  Suddenly this wasn’t just something happening to children in the Third World, but it was happening to my friend.   

There is still a large stigma around HIV in society today.   One thinks backs to the days when Princess Diana first stepped out to show compassion and care to those suffering with the disease, the shock and the horror, the reaction as to whether or not the Princess of Wales should be doing such a thing - yet in those moments of meeting the sufferer and simply talking to them Diana transcended the cultural and society norms and was just there with people.   Surely we as the church should be doing the same, reaching out to people whatever they are coming to terms with.  Not locking ourselves away behind the gates being afraid to get are hands dirty or getting messy - but just be out there doing the Jesus thing with the people around us.  

What can we do to change perception?? Well it begins by wearing a ribbon .... can lead to donating money, praying for a cure or even working with those who are directly affected.  

Today let us as individuals and as a church say that we are HIV positive in terms of seeking an end to suffering.  

Young and ambitious yet in all the searching nothing is found???.....

Continuing on with the musical theme of the last post, this week I have been listening to the soundtrack of Evita in anticipation of its revival on Broadway next year.  One verse from the song ‘Don’t cry for me Argentina‘ has played on my mind over and over again the song was recorded and released in 1976 followed by the complete double album release, which went gold. The musical has won a whole clatter of awards, including seven Tony’s, a Grammy and indeed an Oscar, for the film version starring Madonna.   

The musical itself brings to life the dynamic, larger-than-life persona of Eva Peron. Beginning with a young and ambitious Eva, the production follows her meteoric rise to sainthood. The story tells of the enormous wealth and power she gained and the means by which she became the beloved Evita.  

The following lines jumped out at me and summarized what I see with hindsight as the theme song of some of my teenage years and I am sure that many of you reading this can also identify with them. 

‘So I chose freedom

Running around trying everything new

But nothing impressed me at all

I never expected it too’

Sometimes we become bored with what we have, especially as we approach Christmas we begin to wish that we had this or that.  We would be so much more happy if we had it..... Are lives would be more complete - yet the reality normally is that when we wake up on boxing day or the day after, the joy, the excitement, the feeling of completeness evaporates.  

Similarly the rest of the year round, that night out, the drink fueled binge, that moment of dabbling in what we know will do us harm - may leave us with a feeling of freedom and a momentary buzz - but does it last???  The answer of course has to be no.  No matter what we run after, no matter what we try, we still feel empty.  Though as the words of the song remind us did we ever expect anything else?

We are complete only in the words of Mike Scott when we find God ‘where He always was’ , simply present in the world around us.  

Jesus Christ ... Risen Star???

As many of you know, I am an avid fan of musical theatre.  Since the age of 12 my mum has had to spend a small fortune on taking me to local productions, London’s West End and even to Broadway.  

Of all the musical composers out there, it is the work of Andrew Lloyd  Webber which has had the greatest influence on my life, whether it be Joseph, Sunset Boulevard, Cats to name but a few and not to forget Phantom of the Opera which has been produced and staged all around the world, while Jesus Christ Superstar wins the accolade of being the most controversial.   Including songs such as ‘I don’t know how to love him’, ‘Gethsemane’ and of course the title song Jesus Christ Superstar.  

The musical focuses on the story of Jesus in the run up to his crucifixion.  The cleansing of the temple, Palm Sunday, the last supper, the betrayal, the trail and ultimately the crucifixion.  

Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of seeing an amateur production at the Grand Opera House and it was a totally different experience from when I saw the show in the same venue ten years ago.  For a start gone where the protesters outside with their placards and accordions, trying to drown out the music on the stage, but more than this it was the alterations and changes that had been made to the musical that left the lasting impact.  

Rather than conclude with Christ dying on the cross, the curtain then goes down, the cast leave the stage and the curtain rises and the focus is on an empty floodlight cross and an empty stage.  The focus shifts from the crucified Christ to the risen Christ.  While initial productions may have focused on the humanity of Christ, now the focus was on the divinity of Christ.  

The message I was left with was, what is the danger of communicating half truths? On the one hand when the musical stops with the crucifixion, it is displaying a truth, yes Christ died, but to rob the story of Easter and the risen conquering Son is to rob it of its full power and authority.  We believe in a risen Savior.    One who died for our sins, but one also who through his resurrection and ascension promises a future in the presence of God to his believers.  Take a moment to today to stop and think what half truths are being communicated in society today and that communication is robbing the story of its full power and effect.