Sex and the church .... a silent subject???

To quote Rebecca Nicholson in this weeks Guardian Guide Magazine ‘as the great, wise, philosophizing pop group LMFAO  succinctly put it I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it.’ This week is a good week if your into sex and scandal - a whole week of it on TV and in film release.   Programs include, ‘how sex works’, ‘websex: what’s the harm?’  ‘confessions of a sex addict’, ‘like a virgin’ ‘playing it straight’ and the list goes on ...... This week also sees the release of SHAME with a preview showing at QFT on tuesday night (I have to be honest here and say I am going to see it)  a film about a New York sex addict and to quote from an interview with the star Michael Fassbender in the Guardian ‘depending on your point of view, (it’s)  a brilliant exposition of loneliness in the city or a pretentious piece of naval-gazing.’ 

Fassbender in the movie plays an executive, who yes on the one hand is successful but on the other hand is unable for reasons never fully explained to have a real relationship, rather he prefers encounters with strangers, prostitutes and porn.  While his sister also throws herself at any passing man.  Fassbender notes in the interview that while he was trying to research for the role, he tried to talk to people in London, and no one was forthcoming or at least very few so he went to New York - where not surprisingly people where a little more open - though the observation remained ‘scratch the surface of what’s socially normal.  I suppose in some way all of us have something we display to the public and things we feel to ashamed or uncomfortable with to revel to other people.’  

Lets talk about sex! No don’t worry this isn’t going to be some sex ed talk about the birds and the bees .... as my mum would say ‘the birds go tweet and the bees go buzz’.  Sex has been on my mind recently for a number of reasons, and before you say it no not just because I am single and a young guy, but as a result of some of my thinking on the book of Hosea which we are currently exploring in Fitzroy but also because over Christmas I was reading a new work by Jennifer Knust ‘Unprotected Text’s: The Bibles Surprising Contradictions About Sex and Desire‘  and while not fully endorsing some of her conclusions the book does provide an interesting overview of what the bible does say about sex and what it has been made to say over the years by the so called ‘authorities’.

But how do we deal with sex within the Christian community? How do we explain it to our young people and indeed our adults?  How do we focus on a wholeness approach to life and not make people feel guilty because they have fallen down in this area? Sex is real .... indeed as a friend of mine would say ‘at the end of the day Jab it all boils down to sex and death’ , the internet is all around us .... one google search and you can get any kind of image to appeal to whatever you are looking for at that particular moment.  You don’t even need to go online, sex is all around us, all day, everyday, and for those of us trying to remain pure in a world that is sex obsessed it can often be a very hard battle and there are many opportunities to fall down.  

As a teenager I remember reading the ‘every young man’s battle’ series which looked at lust, porn and masturbation struggles within society today - and have to say I found some of the content helpful - but also some of it a little dated or out of touch - one of its main arguments was about trying to avoid looking at ‘sexy images’(don’t get me wrong i agree with this though can see some problems) - but how do you realistically achieve that when every shop, bar coffee shops, seem to be selling it!  Bags with topless guys on them ... magazines with bikini clad girls???  You can’t spend all day in a bubble in Starbuck’s or your coffee shop of choice!  Even when you’re there I am sure it won’t take to long for your eye to drift to someone you find appealing or attractive! 

I think the following article is really useful and provides some helpful insights .... http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27747-is-sexual-sin-communal-sin.  It’s not that the church is out there as a marshall on good fun - its on the other hand an issue of human dignity, respect and self worth.  I feel that the first area we fall down in mainly is that we don’t talk about -  perhaps we need to in the words of the song to ‘lets talk about sex’ because only when we talk about in an open honest manner can we really understand the joys of sex, the pitfalls of a sex mad world and potential for harm - but be under no illusion if the church doesn’t talk about it there are plenty of other people willing to in ‘the big bad world out there’, and that is what is shaping public opinion, public perception and we are being left behind! The latest movie maybe called SHAME but the real shame is that we are letting are people down by being silent!  

Dying to be thin

Tonight ITV showed a documentary about anorexia and the desire among young people and society at large to be thin.  If i’m being honest - this programme touched me greatly because it translated me back to two years ago when I was in the middle of struggling with anorexia.  Kate Moss may have said that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ - I can testify this is not true!  What follows is an account of my journey into and out of anorexia.  

As a child I was always what people would call ‘a little chubby’, food for me was a comfort, an escape, a way of making myself feel a little better ..... though suddenly a little food wasn’t enough, it became the more the better, having a bad day have a bar of chocolate or six, pass an exam go out for a three course meal and no matter how I was feeling, good or bad, food was a way of feeling better!  

By the age of 19 I had reached 27 stone in weight ..... not a good feeling to have to go to Glasgow, London and America to be able to buy clothes.  Then in the second year of university began my unhealthy relationship with dieting ..... I wanted to be the thinnest I could because this weight was more than enough to carry and was a shell to hid behind.  ‘if I was thinner I would feel better’, ‘if I was thinner people would find me more attractive’. So the diet and the desire to get down from a 52 inch waste and a 5xl top began.  

At first it was a healthy approach and over the months the weight dropped .... down to a more respectable 15 stone.  Following a stay in Dublin for my post grad the weight began to creep back up, I returned to Belfast for work where a colleague said to me ‘goodness you lost all that weight and now you’re starting to put it back on’ - then my healthy diet, took an unhealthy turn - I would become the thinnest I could!  I would make sure that no one ever said that to me again.   

So I limited myself to 700 calories a day and went for an hour and half power walk everyday!  The weight poured of me .... 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 stone.  I felt great, well at least I thought I did ... But I was only really kidding myself!  People were beginning to notice that I was starting to look unwell - but me I had never felt so great!

10, 9, 8 stone ....Now we were down to 500 calories ... a weight watchers yoghurt for breakfast, one for lunch and three garlic mushrooms for my tea with a small bit of salad ... same thing every day because I knew I was losing weight that way suddenly my social life was gone I couldn’t be around friends cause I was afraid of having to go in somewhere to eat, the trousers were getting smaller and the tops were going down to children’s sizes!  Weekly trips to the doctor who I tried to kid for as long as I could, watching peoples faces, people who I knew but with a sunken face, they no longer knew me .... People thought I had cancer and were afraid to speak about it! Though I was starting to get tired and my body was starting to hurt! Not being able to lie in bed at night cause the mattress hurt you! Up at 4am cause you couldn’t sleep, my life was dictated, every day I lived the same experience ... over and over again!  

7 stone - I remember it as clear - the first week of Wimbeldon 2009 - the thursday night, I walked to Lisburn with mum to do some shopping  - walking home I didn’t feel well at all - I wanted to get home asap!  So home it was, imagine me in the height of summer, pj’s, dressing gown, hot water bottle, blanket and I was still freezing!  Though on the plus side I now had a 26 inch waist I was wearing tops for 11 year old boys! aged 24 and 6’2.  Surely now my life could begin!  I was as thin I was ever going to get!  The next day I had an appointment at the doctors, I remember crying in the waiting room I hurt that much as I sat on the chairs, my whole body ached, all my energy was gone! My doctors words ‘we need to do an ECG’ Ok I thought - the nurse had to do it twice .... ‘wait till i get the doctor to have a look at this’ Ok I thought this was standard procedure ..... My doctor came, looked at my shivering body on the bed as I lay there in my underwear - then she truly knew just how bad I had become, stomach sunken, legs fragile, rib cage very evident through my skin.....  ‘Jonathan it’s bad news’ Oh what’s wrong I replied ‘We can hardly find a pulse’ .... ‘You need to sign yourself in at the hospital .....’

I broke down in that doctors surgery - suddenly I realized what I had done to myself ....  I can’t go to the hospital, I don’t want to be signed in ..... She said ‘ok, you can go home for a couple of hours and think about it’ ... I went home and broke down again with my mum and my sister! 

Things needed to change! 

I started out dying to be thin - now I was just dying! 

In America there is the Trevor Project a response the amount of young people taking their own lives because they are gay.... the tag line of the movement is ‘it gets better’ well I want to say to anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder ‘it gets better’. Not initially but day by day it gets better, it gets better with each small step towards recovery.  

I got help - I was able to go to  the health service and was referred to a specialist .... slowly but surely the weight increased!  2 pounds here and 2 pounds there  10 months later I was back up to my goal weight - I would be lying if I said everyday still isn’t a battle but one thing I know is that I never want to be that thin again.

To anyone struggling with weight issues - be honest with yourself - admit that you have a problem because only when you do will you be able to get better - only then than the journey to wholeness begins!  If you would like to talk with someone who has been there and gone through the situation.  Email me abernethysmile@hotmail.com and I would be happy to listen!